On my first morning here, a group of us walked along the ocean until we reached the top of a cliff overlooking the two-towered Mosquée de la Divinitée. We stood there, breathing in the heavily exhaust-tainted sea breeze and taking in the view, as if to say, “Hey, Africa, we’re here now. Bring it.” We were naïve, eager, fat, paranoid, pale, sweaty and, on the whole, a little bit awkward.
Today, I found myself one of the last three remaining from the program in Dakar. It’s been seriously painful seeing everyone go and the life I’ve led turning from reality into a memory. During my time here I’ve experienced moments of joy which have left me feeling weightless. I have in fact lost weight, shaved my head and had my skin turn multiple shades darker. There are remnants of scraped away bug bites and pimples all over my face and limbs and I can never seem to adequately clean my feet. I have squeezed my hands into the tightest fists I could in frustration and spread my fingers out as wide as they’d go just to feel the sand fall through them. I’ve never seen so many rainbows in my life or been rained on so hard. I learned to know what time of day it is by what I hear. The prayers, the planes, the roosters, the children, the roman gladiator-esque horn of the garbage trucks and the djembes each represent something. At times, I’ve wanted nothing more than to just leave and then the next day been wholly convinced that I can never leave this place. My body has been run down by sickness, self-induced insomnia and malnutrition to points its never experienced before. I’ve become more fearless, but at the same time developed new fears and insecurities. I’ve voluntarily taken more time to myself to think and just be than I ever have before. And I think that was one of the most valuable things I’ve done here.
People say they come to Africa to find themselves. I never felt particularly lost so that’s not why I came. However, I do think that coming here has shown me a lot about myself, some of which I’m proud of and some of which I’m not. I honestly didn’t expect to feel so different about myself nor so attached to this place.
“We shall not cease from exploration. And the end of all of our exploring will be to arrive where we started, and know the place for the first time. And all shall be well…”
- T.S. Eliot
Ba beneen yoon, Sénégal, Inshallah.
Jërëjëf, Merci, Thank you.
For images from Tabaski, my Birthday Party on Île Ngor and Farewells, follow these links:
Birthdays and Goats WARNING: VERY GRAPHIC IMAGES OF SLAUGHTERED GOATS. NOT SUITABLE FOR YOUNG CHILDREN OR VEGETARIANS.
Farewells
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